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To Recap Week 10: Scenes From a Funeral

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Slow fade into an overhead shot of Lambeau Field. The stadium is full of solemn, mourning Packers fans. At the 50 yard line, there is a stage, covered in black. In the middle of the stage, on a stand, lies a green and gold casket. Bouquets and wreaths of green and gold flowers are placed to the left and right, while a single spotlight envelopes the entire scene. A lone cellist plays a maudlin version of “Bang on the Drum All Day”.

A lone microphone, wrapped in gold and green scarves, stands just in front of the casket. As the cello music fades, a man slowly approaches it. In his hands he holds a framed piece of cardstock. He lovingly places the framed certificate on top of the casket and steps up to the microphone. The cello music stops. 78,000 people inside a dreary Lambeau Field murmur and quietly weep. The man starts to speak:

Eulogist: 

“Brothers and sisters, we have come here today to mourn the death of the Green Bay Packers 2016 season.”

(Cut to a group of fans hysterically crying, one of them holding a plastic cup filled with beer in one hand and a bratwurst in the other–mustard and onions on it only. After a few seconds, cut back to the stage)

“When this season began, nobody imagined that this would happen. The world seemed to be theirs for the taking. Jordy Nelson was healthy, the defense was the best it had been in years, they had the easiest schedule in the league. (Eulogist starts getting emotional, building to a crescendo) It wasn’t supposed to be like this! No team with Jeff Janis and Aaron Ripkowski should ever lose a game. EVER!!!!”

(Eulogist sobs uncontrollably into a green and gold handkerchief, making guttural noises like he’s choking on his own snot. Eventually he regains composure and begins to speak again.)

“There are no words that I could speak here today that will make anybody feel better about the tragic events that have occurred to this team. All I can do is say the same prayer that I said when we were here in 2008.”

(Hard cut to a shirtless overweight man with a large “4” painted in green and gold on his chest, weeping quietly as tears stream down his face into a big walrus mustache. Hard cut back to Eulogist.)

“So, with that spirit in mind, please feel free to join me.”

(During the prayer, the camera pans around the crowd, settling on one emotional drunk person at a time. None of them know the words, so they are all mumbling incoherently.)

‘Our Vince, who art in Heaven, Lombardi be thy name. Thy tundra come, thy will be done in Lambeau as it was in the 60’s. Give us this day our daily cheese, as we forgive those who are lactose intolerant. And lead us not into Chicago, but deliver us from mediocrity. For the Packers are yours, almighty Lombardi, forever and ever, Amen.’

“Thank you. Now please feel free to partake in light refreshments on the concourses. In light of the circumstances, Lambeau Field has agreed to lower the price of a beer to $8.95.”

(Slow pan to the casket, adorned with a Packers flag and the framed stock certificate. “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan plays softly.)

Was that a bit much?

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Aaron Rodgers

Aside from the first few series of the game, Rodgers did everything he could possibly do to keep his team afloat. Unfortunately, by the time his coach got the message that he needed to change the gameplan, they Packers were losing by 21.

Once Mr. Potato Head started calling combination routes and quick passes, Rodgers found his smile. At one point he completed 13 consecutive passes. He almost single handedly willed the Packers into a somewhat competitive position while having Don Barclay fanning him with his revolving door arms.

Rodgers had 2 interceptions, but one was on a hail mary to end the first half. The other was either a very poor throw or a miscommunication between he and Randall Cobb. Either way, if the defense hadn’t have been doing the mannequin challenge for the entire game, maybe the Titans defense wouldn’t have had an opportunity at either pick. In the grand scheme of things, though, it doesn’t really matter. Rodgers is trying to pilot a sinking ship. All he needs is Billy Zane to shoot himself in the head and this year will be complete.

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Wide Receivers

Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams came to do their jobs on Sunday. Everybody else in that group took a vacation day. Adams is having a really nice year, and I feel like he has earned redemption. I don’t feel bad about any of the things I wrote or said about him last year, because they were all true at the time. However, he has proven that he is better than that, and I think he is becoming one of Rodgers’ go to guys.

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Running Backs

James Starks came back from a torn meniscus this week, and honestly he didn’t do a terrible job. The sample size was small due to just coming back from injury and the Packers being down by 3 touchdowns before I got my first plate of tacos, but overall he looked fairly good.

Ty Montgomery only played 22 snaps. Maybe he was not feeling well due to his sickle cell trait. If so, then I sincerely hope he does whatever he needs to do to feel better and maintain long term health. If, however, his physical well being had nothing to do with it and his lack of playing time was strictly a coaches decision, Mike McCarthy is an even bigger idiot than I thought he was.

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Defense

They must have spent some time at DollyWorld before the game, because they played like a bunch of boobs. I know that injuries have been a problem, but Clay Matthews’ hamstring is not responsible for tackling a tight end on a seam route. Damarious Randall’s injury did not cause Blake Martinez and Kyler Fackrell to bite on every play fake and leave the middle of the field wide open all game long.

This game was an embarrassment for the entire defensive unit, from Dom Capers down. Every person involved in that implosion should be ashamed of themselves. Nobody did their job consistently. The Titans found holes in the coverage that the Packers didn’t even know existed. There was no pass rush whatsoever. DeMarco Murray had 100 yards on the ground by the middle of the second quarter, and if the Titans hadn’t have scored points at the rate I make analogies, Derrick Henry would have probably gained 100 yards by the end of the game, too. There is literally nothing I can say that would properly communicate my feelings about the Packers defense in this game, and now I’m all worked up, so here’s a picture of a puppy.

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He speaks for all of us.

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Mike McCarthy

Mike McCarthy only thinks of 2 things: 1. Not changing ever, under any circumstances, no matter what is going on. 2. Pierogis.

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Next Week

A Sunday Night Game on the road whilst in a 4 game losing streak against a team that under normal circumstances (and as recently as last January) the Packers should beat. Shrug emoji.

Go Pack Go

 

Thank you for reading. James Korsmo is Lead Humor Writer at Titletown Sound Off. You can follow him on Twitter @jksub20. For even more Packers content, follow us on Twitter and Like us on Facebook.

 

 

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By James Korsmo

I love my family, the Packers, beer, and nachos. More or less in that order. @jksub20 on Twitter.

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