To Recap: Week 9 (Or, I Went to the Fights, and a Football Game Broke Out)

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Dom Capers:

I’m going to break character here and speak directly to the defensive coordinator, whom I am sure will read this the moment it is posted.

Dom, may I call you Dom? Great, thanks. Dom, I am concerned for your mental wellbeing. A famous thinker (I believe it was Einstein or Dr. Phil) once said that the definition of psychosis is repeating the same behavior over and over while expecting different results. Since you have been the defensive coordinator of the Green Bay Packers, you have played a 3 man rush against a 3rd and long (at least 10 yards) approximately eleventy thousand times.

Do you know the percentage of success on those plays for the offense? EVERY DAMN TIME, Dom. (I may be exaggerating. Feel free to look up the stats if you have the time between planning how to leave the middle of the field wide open and figuring out how to use Nate Palmer.) For the life of me, I cannot even begin to approach the mental capacity to fathom why you still think it’s a good idea.

I don’t care if your defensive line is made up of Reggie White, Warren Sapp, and 1998 Goldberg, 3 guys against a line of 5 is just bad odds. Give an NFL quarterback time, he’ll find somebody open. Even if it’s an elderly wide receiver with a 25 second 40 yard dash. And they will perpetually gain 59 yards.

This may come across as a case of bitter beer face, Dom. But I promise you I am quite sincere.  I think I speak for a lot of Packer fans when I say that if the defense only rushes 3 guys on a 3rd and long again, my brain will dissolve and leak out of my head holes. My living room will be like the set of Scanners.

Dom, I have defended you countless times. Believe it or not, people have been calling for your job for a while now. But you’ve always had me in your corner to point out that the personnel on the field were a bigger issue than the play calling. On more occasions than I care to remember, there have been heated discussions regarding your mental aptitude.

My philosophy has always been that it’s the players who make the game. The past 3 games have not only proven me wrong, they have made me feel guilty for somehow enabling the idea that you are a competent defensive coordinator in today’s NFL. Thank you for being a part of 2010. That was fun. Now please find a sunset, and ride off into it. Thank you for your time in this delicate matter.

P.S. I solved your Nate Palmer dilemma. Park him on the bench behind Jake Ryan, and teach him how to keep your star players from going Fight Club on the sideline. End Rant.

aaron-rodgers

Aaron Rodgers

Displayed terrible leadership by being the only offensive player to show any passion at all. An effective leader would have played Jock Jams on the sidelines and given Tony Robbins inspired huddle speeches. Not Rodgers. He threw touchdown passes and tablets. One notable deficiency was how he continued to throw the ball in such a manner that Richard Rodgers couldn’t catch it. Twice, the ball hit RichRod right in the hands. THE HANDS. Aarodge should know better. It’s a good thing the playbook is so easy and predictable, otherwise Rodgers would have probably only thrown for 350 yards and maybe 2 or 3 touchdowns.

Eddie Lacy is a CheeseburgerEddie Lacy

This is the most brilliantly played game of possum I have ever seen in my life.  Other teams are falling right into his trap. People are actually starting to believe that football just doesn’t matter much to him, and he has given up. It’s going to really be a sight when he finally unleashes his inner Kraken and goes off for 50 yards.

PI-NFL-Randall-Cobb-122613
Wide Receivers

James Jones has the most impressive deceleration I have ever seen. Watch him when he doesn’t think a ball is catchable. He slows down so quickly that sometimes he is shrouded in a blinding blue light like Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap. Maybe Mike McCarthy can hire Al and Ziggy as assistants. We can only hope that the next leap is to last year’s NFC Championship game.

Randall Cobb had 4 receptions for 99 yards and a touchdown. These are good numbers, but I feel like Jeff Janis would have doubled those.

Davante Adams returned to action this week after being injured for 3 games and forgetting he was playing last week. He caught 7 passes for 93 yards and a 2 point conversion, which was great for my fantasy team.

Ripper

The RIPPER

For a portion of the game, he was the Packers leading receiver. He caught a pass for 18 yards. It would have been 20 yards, but his beard was tucked into his pants. I love this dude.

Matt Stafford

Next Week

Thank whatever you thank when something unbelievably fortunate happens to you, the Detroit Lions come limping into Lambeau. They have front office personnel and coaching staff hanging off the sides of the franchise like Doc Brown on his time travelling train. Only instead of beautiful Clara being in the engine, it’s Matt Stafford.

There, I feel better. I hope you do too.

GO PACK GO

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By James Korsmo

I love my family, the Packers, beer, and nachos. More or less in that order. @jksub20 on Twitter.

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